My friend told me about some concerning sexual thoughts they’ve been having. What should I do?

It can feel shocking, confusing, or even scary to have a friend tell you they’ve been thinking about a younger child sexually or having sexual feelings about children. It’s important to remember, though, that thoughts and feelings are very different from behaviors, and not everyone who has a sexual thought about a younger kid will act on those thoughts.

Many times people who have these thoughts or feelings, feel scared or ashamed themselves, and they may worry that they will be judged or get in trouble for having these thoughts. They feel like they are a bad person or even a monster, and they likely don’t know that they can get help and support to help them address how they are feeling and to make safe choices.

Also, not every person who has a sexual thought about a child is actually sexually attracted to children - there could be lots of reasons these thoughts are coming up - and they have no intention of acting on these thoughts but they still feel concerning to them. Our Blog: Why would someone have sexual thoughts about a younger kid? talks more about this. 

If a friend shares this with you, they likely trust you and feel safe with you. And you have the opportunity to help them with support and to find additional resources!

Offering support to your friend with concerning sexual thoughts

The first thing you can do is to let your friend know that they are not a bad person and that you care about them. You can share with them that they deserve to get professional support to understand more about these thoughts and get ongoing support to stay safe if that is a concern. It might be important to let them know that acting on these thoughts wouldn’t be okay. You can also let them know that they are not alone, and that there are others who have these same thoughts coming up, and that there IS help available. 

If your friend is under 18, you might encourage them to talk to a safe adult in their lives about finding a counselor or therapist they could talk to. This could be a parent, an aunt or uncle, an adult cousin, a teacher, guidance counselor, or coach. They might feel scared about talking to an adult, and that’s understandable. You might share with them our FAQs on Finding Help so they can prepare a conversation with an adult. 

If your friend is an adult, they can get professional support on their own. They can find a therapist who specializes in supporting people who have sexual thoughts about children, or a therapist who works specifically on sexual behavior concerns. This resource guide from our site Therapy and Support for People 18+ Concerned About Their Own Thoughts and Feelings can help them get started. If it feels comfortable, you might even offer to help them search for someone who feels like a good fit. 

They should also know that having these thoughts isn’t something that they can get in trouble for with a therapist - thoughts aren’t something you can be reported for. A therapist is only required to make a report to authorities when someone has harmed another person or when they share a clear plan to harm someone. 

Be a part of their safety plan 

Even though not everyone who has sexual thoughts about a child will act on them, it would also be a good idea for your friend to start working on a safety plan for themselves. This can include identifying risky situations and having safer alternatives prepared to turn to instead. For example, if they find that being around younger kids makes these thoughts more difficult to manage, then they might think about ways they can increase their time doing other things - like spending more time with friends, getting involved in a new hobby or activity, or even limiting their time around younger kids. 

And, if it feels comfortable, you could offer to be a part of their safety plan. If they are having a difficult day, or their thoughts are causing anxiety or stress, or they feel like they might act on these thoughts, then you might let them know that they can call or text you to talk about something else or distract them. How about other friends, do they have other people they can reach out to too?

Our blog What is safety planning? can help them get started on creating a plan of their own. If these thoughts are causing them distress, or they are looking for ways to manage these thoughts, they might also find our Blog: Mindfulness for Managing Uncomfortable Thoughts helpful too. 

You can also let your friend know about our youth helpline, or have them visit our site for information and resources. 

You deserve support too

This can be a lot to carry on your own, and as a friend and ally you also deserve to get support about how you are feeling. It’s okay to have your own opinions or feelings about what your friend has shared, and those opinions and feelings are completely valid. It might not always be helpful to tell your friend directly if you feel angry, upset, or disgusted by the thoughts they are having, but you deserve a safe place to vent and get support of your own. So, make sure that you are taking care of yourself through this too. If you are still a youth, think about asking a parent to help you find a counselor of your own, and if you are an adult consider seeking out this kind of support. We all need somewhere that we can talk openly about how we’re feeling, and having your own support system can help you continue to be a supportive friend and ally. 

Our youth helpline is here to help you navigate these steps, you don’t have to figure this out alone - reach out anytime.