How can I tell my friend that I am worried about their sexual behaviors?
First off - being willing to talk to someone about concerns you have with their behaviors is a very courageous thing. You are a good friend for even thinking about this and you absolutely can have meaningful conversations about this. Here are some tips for talking to a friend when you’re worried that their behaviors might be sexually harmful or abusive, or feel on the edge.
As you read through the below, think about practicing this conversation first. Ask another friend to practice with you, or just think it through in your head. That will make you feel more comfortable and prepared. And please know that these are just suggestions - word this in a way that feels comfortable and realistic for you.
Be prepared to speak with your friend
First, you cannot control what someone does. It is great that you want to try and help your friend, but they may not be ready for help - they may not even recognize that there is a problem with their behavior. Sometimes the behaviors are so serious, you may need to talk to a safe adult or reach out to our helpline for support and guidance. And if you feel unsafe in any way with your friend, do not have this conversation – or just end the conversation. We always hope that we can talk to our friends about anything, but sometimes it is challenging to talk about safe sexual behaviors. Some people may respond with fear that can become aggressive. Please, do not put yourself in an unsafe position.
If it feels safe and possible to have a conversation with your friend, it will be good to prepare for a number of different reactions you might get from them. They might be defensive or upset, feeling that they are being called out. Or they may feel shocked or embarrassed. Acknowledge to them that this is a lot to take in, and you're happy to let them process and talk more later. This gives them some space to hear what you have told them and get to a place where they can take accountability.
On the other hand, your friend might tell you that they disagree, that they don’t feel like they are doing anything wrong and they don’t want to change their behavior. Everyone gets there in their own time, and some people don’t. Remember that you aren’t responsible for your friend’s behavior, and all that you can do is speak up when you are noticing things that feel concerning and offer to be there to help them take next steps. From there, it’s their choice to make the changes to behave more safely.
Let your friend know you care
Start off the conversation by letting your friend know that you care about them and want them to be safe and happy. Some ways that you can think about starting the conversation with your friend might be:
“I care about you, and I really care about our friendship. I don’t want anything to get in the way of that for either of us. You mean a lot to me AND I don’t want anyone to get hurt – even accidentally.”
“I have something important I want to talk to you about, because I really care about you.”
Describe your concern about your friend’s sexual behaviors
Be specific, but not accusatory. Describe what you have seen, heard and/or experienced that worries you. Do not name-call, make assumptions about what someone’s behavior means about them, or try to guilt trip them. This is a conversation to bring awareness to your friend’s behaviors, and to ask them to behave respectfully and responsibly. You can let them know that you are concerned because you care about them and you want to understand what is going on for them. And if needed, you would like to support them in finding help. Some examples of what you could say:
“Sometimes the way you talk about your girl/boyfriend, younger kids, etc. feels wrong to me, as if you don't respect who they are. I would not want someone I care about talking about me like that.”
“I heard about someone who was arrested for looking at illegal sexual images of children. They said they started by just watching regular porn, and then kept getting deeper into it. It is weird that we can access anything and then when we go too far, things can start to feel out of control. I don’t want that to happen to you. Could we talk about this?”
“When you say kids are ‘hot’ or you can't wait for them to turn 16, it is disrespectful and feels like you only see them as a potential sexual experience. This can be scary for them. When I was 12, I was terrified when people said things like that to me.”
“When you say things like that about little girls, you are crossing a line in how you are treating them. You know I care about you. But for me, if you are not respectful – that isn’t ok with me.”
Some things to keep in mind when talking to your friend:
Let them know that they are not alone and not the only person struggling with their behaviors; other people - both other youth and adults struggle similarly.
Let them know that there is help and support available for them.
Your friend may feel out of control and may not really understand why they behave this way.
Your friend may be frightened or feel shame or guilt about their thoughts or behaviors.
Avoid using language that is shameful or accusatory. For example, saying to someone that they “are acting like a monster” usually shuts them down instead of helping them reflect on the impact of their behaviors
Encourage them to seek out trusted professionals and support
Talk about what’s next with your friend
Talking about this is such an important first step. It means you are someone they can talk with and reach out to when they are ready. You can also let them know that even if they don’t want to talk about it right away, you are available. You can offer help - but do not offer anything that isn’t safe for you, doesn’t feel possible or is in conflict with your own values. Your own self-care is very important - you do not need to take responsibility for your friend.
The type of help you can offer may look like:
Helping them identify a professional or an adult in their life to speak with for additional support
Sitting with them while they look up information about healthy sexual behaviors and relationships or other questions they may have
Together, creating a “code word” you may use when they say something that could be taken offensively or their behaviors are feeling disrespectful
Sharing the whatsok.org helpline and website
Be a part of their safety planning
It helps when people have a plan about how to stay and behave safely that helps them to identify safe people they trust, and activities that they can turn to at times when they are struggling or feel at-risk. Planning for safety includes identifying and avoiding triggering or risky situations - situations where they feel like they are tempted to do something that is harmful or illegal. Safety Planning can be like one’s own personal rules for their own behaviors, or even a reflection of that person’s values and morals.
Older teens and young adults specifically can identify themselves as a safe person for friends to reach out to when they feel unsafe, out-of-control with their behaviors or even when they need a distraction from their thoughts. As part of your friend’s safety plan, you might offer to go for a walk, do an activity you both enjoy outside of the house, or play a video game together - maybe help distract them. Sometimes listening can also be powerful - you don’t have to have all the answers to hear what they’re struggling with, and you can always ask them how you can best support them.
If you are a younger teenager, you can still be an important part of your friend’s safety plan by also being a good listener and knowing when to ask for help from parents and other adults when your friend is saying or doing things that are illegal or unsafe. Helping your friend get help to avoid doing something harmful to themselves or others is caring for your friend. For more information, check out our Blog: How can I help my friend behave safely with their sexual behaviors?
Next steps for you and your friend
When you have said what you want, finish the conversation by reminding your friend that you care about them, have their best interests at heart and want to support them to be a safe person in the world who has healthy and happy relationships.
If you have this discussion with your friend and feel like they are still at risk to cross a line or harm someone, that may mean it’s time to involve a safe adult or another friend who can step in and make sure they stay safe.
Navigating these conversations can be hard, but we can help talk you through how to approach a discussion with your friend. Don’t hesitate to reach out - you don’t have to go through this alone.