Is it OK to have fantasies with sexual violence in them?
This is a great question, and it is good to pay attention when violence and sex are connected. The answer to this question is that it depends.
It it normal to have violent sexual fantasies?
It’s not unusual for people to have a violent sexual thought or fantasy every so often. It’s what we do with them that matters. For some people, this is a normal part of their fantasy life, and they understand there are some things they may think about that cannot be played out in real life. Other people may notice that they start fantasizing about playing out these violent scenarios in real life in ways that are non-consensual and harmful to the other person, or that they have feelings that keep getting stronger.
Porn websites and social media often make various forms of violence in sex seem okay or acceptable - even commonplace, like everyone is into violent sex . Their intention is often to make you curious and keep you focused on them. However, the people you meet in person will almost never want force or violence. So, pay attention to how these thoughts and interests come up.
When should I be concerned about my violent sexual fantasies?
If you’re noticing any of the following things on this list in yourself, it’s a good idea to speak to someone. A professional can provide non-judgmental and accurate information, as well as support you in feeling safe and keeping others safe. Seeking help — including reaching out to our helpline — can be your next step. We’re here to be your ally when you ask difficult questions like these.
Have you noticed that:
Your sexual interests changed all of a sudden or after a traumatic event, becoming more concerning, dark, or aggressive?
Your fantasies keep getting more and more violent?
You find that you’re angry at the same time as you are having this thought or fantasy?
Your thoughts include sexually hurting others - adults, children or animals - in real life?
You have started to plan “mock scenarios”?
You can’t think about or enjoy sex or sexual behaviors without it being paired with violence or pain?
Your pornography use has escalated or has become more and more extreme (see our blog “How will I know when my porn use has become a problem?” for more information)?
Sometimes people might also notice that in general, their fantasies are occupying more and more of their time, that they've been withdrawing from their typical routines, activities, and friendships; or they are feeling shame, guilt, or fear around what they think about sexually.
Many who have these fantasies make a clear distinction that these are just fantasies and they don’t ever want to act on them. Many people simply notice them when they arise, then commit to being kind, compassionate, and connected with others. Answering “yes” to one or several of the questions above does not mean you’re a bad person, but this can be an important time to get help. Many people have questions about their sexual thoughts - you’re not the only one, but you shouldn’t keep this all to yourself.
How can I get help for concerning violent sexual fantasies?
Contact our helpline
Ask a trusted adult or friend for help and support
Ask your caregiver(s) to find you a therapist, or if you are 18+ start looking for a therapist on your own