How will I know when my porn use has become a problem?

“I was starting to feel worried that I was spending way too much time watching porn and it was starting to create problems for me with my parents, my friends, and with my girlfriend. I didn’t know who to talk to about it, because it’s kind of an embarrassing thing to bring up.”

Thanks so much for reaching out! This is exactly the type of question we help young people navigate, and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re so glad you reached out. 

Like with so many things, defining a “problem” is really personal. So the best way to determine whether something is a problem for you is to ask yourself a few questions. Here’s how we help people navigate this issue: 

Questions to ask yourself about your porn use:

1. Are your behaviors changing since you started watching pornography? This can look like:

• Unmanageable and/or compulsive thoughts about when you can watch porn again 

• Difficulty keeping promises to others about watching less

• Lying to yourself and/or others about time spent watching porn

• Watching more violent porn

2. Have you changed the way you use your digital devices? This can look like:

• Using them all the time, to the point that it’s creating problems with family, friends or at school and/or work

• Watching more and more (legal, adult) pornography

• Changes in how secretive you feel about your browsing history or saved images you delete

• Watching during work and/or school, or during time typically spent on other important projects

3. Are you isolating yourself? This can look like:

• Becoming emotionally “checked-out” or withdrawing from friends and family

• Not participating in usual family, extracurricular and social activities

• Shutting the door or changing the screen if someone walks in

4. Have you suffered losses as a result of your sexual behaviors? This can look like:

• A drop in grades at school or losing a job

• Loss of interest interests or activities and/or losing friends

• Getting in legal trouble

5. Are you noticing sexual changes in yourself? This can look like:

• Changing your sexual attitudes and preferences

• Having sexual fantasies of younger children

• Decreased sexual interest in peers in real life

• Masturbation fantasies becoming extreme and/or violent

• Shame, regret, or self-hatred in connection to your own arousal

Any one of these things doesn’t necessarily mean you have a problem, but it’s good to think about these questions and check in often.  Based on what you said, it sounds like your behaviors have changed, you’re isolating yourself and you’re suffering losses.

Can you be addicted to porn?

It’s complicated. The research about addiction to pornography is still unclear. But “porn addiction” can feel like the right language for many people who are trying to describe the struggle they have with online behaviors that feel hard to manage. That can feel like an addiction: a pattern of “using” even when they don’t want to, feeling ashamed or guilty afterwards, and making promises to themselves (or others) that it won’t happen again - only for the pattern to be repeated.  

Some people feel like porn is a healthy part of their sex lives. Other folks find that their behaviors have slid out of control, maybe leading to things like the loss of friendships, partnerships, jobs or even legal involvement if they’ve been watching child sexual abuse material (CSAM, formerly called child pornography). That can be scary! People in this situation may feel hopeless about their ability to change their behavior or even their interests. 

But many people do successfully make changes in their viewing habits and break cycles of behavior that feel worrisome or could even be harmful. And they learn more about what interests them sexually and how to make healthy decisions about what they want and how to get it. 

Are you worried about your porn use? Your viewing habits may be a cause for concern if you:

• Find yourself spending more and more time watching porn 

• Feel as though you need a porn “fix” – and that fix gives you a “high”

• Feel guilty about the consequences of viewing porn

• Neglecting responsibilities such as friends, school, jobs – even sleeping, eating and bathing regularly, in order to spend time watching porn

If you or someone you know is worried about the amount of pornography they’re watching, talking with someone who understands is a great step to feel back in control. No one has to do this alone - many people reach out for help and help is available!

Often people who are most successful making healthy and safe choices about their viewing habits have the support of a therapist so that they can better explore why they’re doing what they’re doing, get support and help for any other issues that may be affecting them (like mental health concerns, past trauma, etc.), and learn new ways of taking care of themselves

We’re here to talk. Reach out to our Helpline with any questions about your own viewing habits.

See also our Blog “I think I’m watching too much porn - what should I do?”

5 things to do if you’re concerned about your activity online

If you’re concerned about how often you’re looking at porn or even what porn you’re looking at, help is available! Here are five things you can do if you’re worried about yourself: 

1. Tell a close friend that you trust or a safe adult that you are feeling worried, and ask for their support

2. Contact the WhatsOK Helpline to talk to a counselor more about what's going on

3. Get connected to professional support like a counselor or a therapist 

4. Create a safety plan for your internet use

5. Unplug by taking a break from online content and devices

WhatsOK is here to help. We offer a free, confidential helpline for teens and young adults who have questions or want support around sexual health and safety. Contact us to get started.