How Do I Navigate Sexual Relationships as a Transgender (Trans) Person with Gender Dysphoria?
Transgender people have been a hot topic of debate recently. Lots of misinformation about trans folks is being spread and it can be hard to know what is true and what isn’t. With all of this misinformation, it can be really difficult to navigate the world as a transgender person, especially in intimate relationships.
If you are transgender, it can feel like you are a representation of the entire community, and this can be especially difficult when navigating intimate relationships. It is important to remember that you are an individual and your experiences and choices do not reflect that of all other transgender people.
So with that being said, let’s answer some questions.
What does it mean to be transgender (trans)?
Gender identity is a complex social concept. First, let’s talk about “biological sex.” Typically, someone’s sex assigned at birth (what is commonly called “sex” or “biological sex” on many forms) is determined by a person’s external genitalia: a doctor does a quick visual exam shortly after someone is born and typically puts someone into one of two categories: female or male, though there is also a third category - intersex.
Intersex individuals may or may not have external or internal genitalia, or have reproductive organs that are ambiguous (meaning, they do not easily fit into the category of vagina or penis, testes or ovaries, uterus or prostate for example). Or their chromosomes may be something other than commonly known XX or XY, their hormones may not match their chromosomes, or some combination of these variations. So, if someone is intersex, their internal and external organs, hormones and chromosomes may or may not line up with their sex assigned at birth, and it’s not always obvious by looking at someone. Biological sex isn’t binary, and is actually pretty complex!
Gender identity is often thought of as binary — meaning one or the other (i.e. man or woman), but there is a lot of research that tells us that this isn’t the case and that people can also identify as non-binary (meaning neither a man or a woman, sometimes both, or somewhere in between). This article from Scarleteen called Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer gives a lot of great information about gender identity!
If someone identifies as transgender, it means that their sex assigned at birth does not align with their gender identity. For example, someone could be assigned female at birth but identify as a man or vice versa. Many, but not all transgender people experience gender dysphoria.
What is gender dysphoria?
Gender dysphoria is defined as “the distress that may accompany the incongruence between one’s experienced or expressed gender and one’s assigned gender.” Or in other words, feelings of discomfort or unhappiness because your sex assigned at birth doesn’t align with your gender identity. Gender identity is different from sexual orientation, meaning that the gender someone identifies as doesn’t necessarily correlate to who they feel attracted to.
Navigating sexual relationships as a trans person or someone who experiences gender dysphoria can be really complicated and difficult. Being intimate with yourself or another person can cause feelings of gender dysphoria to be exaggerated or come to the forefront of your mind. So, what can you do about it?
Tips to navigate gender dysphoria and sexual relationships as a transgender person
Here are some strategies for coping with gender dysphoria in sexual situations! It’s important to note that every transgender person has a different experience with their body and with sexual relationships, so these strategies may work for some and not for others. Actually, these tips can be helpful for cisgender people and those without trans partners too, as communication skills and knowing one’s body, including what one likes and dislikes, are important parts of healthy relationships for every person!
Communicate your needs to your partner
It’s important that both you and your partner understand what you are feeling and what your needs are. Having a conversation with a partner about your experiences with gender dysphoria and what helps you feel safe and affirmed prior to engaging in sexual acts can make a huge difference. One example might be, “What do you call your body parts?” These aren't the same for all people, and using the terms your partner likes can be really affirming for them. Another example could be, “Is there any part of your body that is ‘off limits,’ that you don't want to be touched, or that you only want to use in specific sex acts?” These conversations ahead of time can help everyone feel safe and respected.
Use gender affirming tools during sexual intimacy
To help you feel more comfortable and affirmed during sex, it may be helpful to use gender-affirming tools. This can be done in a bunch of different ways including with makeup, clothing, binding tools, prosthetics, etc. Taking the time to explore what you like solo first may take some of the pressure off and help you feel more confident with a partner.
Take breaks and check in
During sex it can be important that you take breaks to check in with yourself and with your partner, especially if sexual intimacy can be difficult or bring up feelings of gender dysphoria for you. These breaks can look like taking a quick breather, checking in with yourself mentally, checking in with the other person, or even taking longer breaks to have a conversation. If this is something you want, don’t be afraid to talk about this before an intimate moment too, so that you both feel as supported as possible.
Talk about your experience afterwards
It can be helpful to talk to your partner about how your experience was after you engage in sexual intimacy. Having a conversation about what went well and what didn’t can help make your future experiences better.
Gender identity and gender dysphoria can be a really hard topic to navigate, but you’ve already taken the first step by looking into it! There are tons of resources out there to help you navigate this topic and you are never alone.
Some resources for trans people with gender dysphoria that may be helpful:
The Trevor Project: Support and resources for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults. They operate a 24/7 hotline for immediate crisis support, offer peer support, participate in advocacy and research, and offer a blog where they explore topics focused on young people within the LGBTQ+ community.
Scarleteen: Offers a blog where they answer real life questions from youth and young adults, including around topics like gender identity. Check out their article called T4T sex and feeling euphoric for more information on this topic.
The WhatsOK helpline is here to support anyone with questions about navigating sexual relationships safely.