Why am I turned on by violent porn?
We heard from someone who was wondering why they were turned on by violence in pornography – and what it meant. They asked: Am I going to be violent towards partners in the future? What about sexual pleasure? Would I be able to enjoy sex without some violence involved?
These are great questions. Here’s how we help people who are worried about this type of thing.
Porn isn’t sex
There is a big difference between viewing pornography and being sexual with someone. Even though this person said they have an interest in violent porn, it is likely that when they were consensually intimate with a partner, the more typical, expected sexual behaviors like kissing and touching would be satisfying.
Porn is acting – it’s pretend. When we see violence on screen in movies, games and porn, we know on at least some level that it isn’t real. In porn specifically, someone being hurt might act like they enjoy what’s happening. But in real life, most of us don’t like pain. And experiencing violence or being violent to someone else wouldn’t be a pleasant or pleasurable sexual experience for someone. With that in mind, we can consider whether someone enjoys porn because it is violent, or maybe despite it being violent.
At the end of the day, violent porn does not demonstrate safe, healthy boundaries and relationships. And if a person has never had a sexual relationship before, exposure to violence in porn might set up unrealistic and unsafe expectations. So for numerous reasons, it might be better to avoid violent sexual content.
Still, watching and enjoying violent porn doesn’t make anyone a bad person, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them.
If you’re really worried…
Reaching out to WhatsOK was a big step, and it’s super responsible! In case they’re still concerned about their interests, we encouraged them to figure out how much of an impact this is making on their life. Is this taking away from time devoted to other interests, to friends, to their responsibilities? If so, then it would be important to scale back the amount and type of pornography they are watching.
Being safe can mean making a safety plan: when do they typically turn to this content? Learning the pattern is important, as then they can become clearer about what they can do, instead. We talked about finding another behavior to do instead, like going for a walk, playing a game with a friend, or reading a book.
Also, is this content impacting their sleep, giving them bad dreams, making it hard to focus in a way which is really disruptive? If so, they may even benefit from working with a therapist. For more information on that, view this FAQ: Where do I go to get help if I am under 18?
