How can I heal from the shame and guilt of past problematic or harmful sexual behaviors?
Reaching out for help is great, and we’re so glad that young people are talking to us about these complex topics. Working through these feelings can take time and may not resolve overnight, but it is possible! People who have hurt others still deserve good things and a healthy, happy life.
It’s common for our helpline consultants to hear from youth and young adults who feel stuck under the weight of their past problematic or abusive behaviors. Some have watched child sexual abuse material, some have harmed a friend, partner or sibling, some have done other things, but the common thread is how they feel—sad, guilty, ashamed, or that they’re a terrible person.
Being self-reflective is often the first step in being accountable, responsible and making changes. If this feels familiar for you, know that you can feel good about yourself, your choices and subsequent behaviors—even when there are concerns about the past.
A quick guide: Healing from past problematic or abusive sexual behaviors
It’s normal for many people to feel a lot of heavy emotions—including guilt and shame—after they realize they hurt someone else or did something wrong.
Guilt can be an important emotion that can alert you that you’re not making choices that are aligned with your values. The good news is that you don’t need to stay stuck there in inaction.
Shame can be heavy, and tell you that there’s something wrong with you as a person, but that’s not true. You can work to make healthy choices!
Understanding the context of your actions doesn’t excuse your behavior, but can help provide self-empathy: how old were you at the time, what did you know/not know, what else was going on for you, etc.?
Learning to care for your entire self—including all your helpful and harmful behaviors—can help you to heal by integrating your past actions into your identity and story.
You may need ongoing professional help to process your feelings from the incidents and make sure you have all the tools you deserve to make healthy choices long term
No matter what, you deserve support!
The crushing weight of past harmful sexual behaviors
Often, people who reach out to our helpline wonder why they have engaged in problematic or harmful sexual behaviors that may have caused pain, trauma or lasting harm to themselves or others. Many people also feel like they don’t deserve happiness or good things, and are currently struggling with everyday care tasks: eating, hanging out with friends, doing hobbies, working or going to school, and showing up in their relationships.
They worry that if other people knew about their actions, they wouldn’t have any friends–and though they don’t want it to be true, at some level they also may feel like they deserve isolation as a consequence. Their feelings about the future sometimes feels crushing, even if things are going well for them and they have goals, hobbies, healthy relationships, as well as things to look forward to.
Guilt is a signal that you may not be values-aligned
It’s normal for a person to feel guilty when they realize they’ve done something wrong, and that can be a catalyst for them to reflect and consider what they need to do differently from now on or what resources they need to get in place for themselves. What can be a challenge is when someone gets stuck in these feelings of guilt to the point that they can’t move forward.
Shame about past behaviors can hinder, rather than motivate
Shame often isn’t helpful. Shame is tied to who we are as people. It’s the feeling that something within ourselves is wrong or humiliating—and often feels unchangeable. Even though we may not be able to change the past, we can make choices now and in the future that align with our values and that set us up to be the type of person we want to be. Feeling shame can keep us stuck because it feels like we can’t make a choice to be different, but we can—while learning to love our entire selves along the way.
Suggestions to help heal your shame and guilt
Understand the context that may have enabled the behaviors
When a person is thinking about their past actions, another important step is to remember the context of their choices. That doesn’t mean we encourage people to excuse, minimize, deny or shift blame to someone else, but instead we want others to understand the larger picture: what may have contributed to the choices they made? Here are a few guiding questions that you can ask yourself:
What was my age? How old was I then, and how was my understanding of sex different than it is now (as a teen or adult)?
What was my level of sexual and relational development? What did I know about sex, sexuality, boundaries, consent and bodies?
When was the first time I saw porn, and did I get healthy sex education from a healthy, safe source?
What types of support did I have? Was I offered help when I needed it?
What else was going on in my life at the time?
What did or didn’t my parents or caregivers teach me? Did I experience or witness abuse, trauma, violence, or an unstable household—like drugs or alcohol abuse, homelessness—when I was young?
Was there anything else I was experiencing then that may have influenced how I understood safe boundaries?
Part of accountability is realizing that you’ve done something wrong, and understanding the why behind your actions. Being inquisitive doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for your actions, but part of understanding what steps you need to take means looking in the rear-view mirror to the past. The past can be a help you learn what has changed since then, what you didn’t have, or even what tools or support you need now to get in place for yourself.
Remember: past behaviors are one part of who you are, not the whole thing
It’s important to remember that everyone has the capacity to make mistakes, cause harm, abuse and trauma. You are also made up of all your choices—safe, silly, weird, loving, compassionate, unsafe, abusive—not just the decisions that you regret. You’re reaching out because you do care.
Ongoing support may be necessary to heal from shame and guilt
People—both youth and adults—often cross boundaries and hurt others because they’re missing something. Maybe they don’t have the coping skills they need to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. Maybe they have an attraction to children or a sexual need that they can’t act on safely. Perhaps they experienced abuse themselves or had a very scary upbringing, and need therapy to process their feelings. Maybe they don’t understand boundaries and consent, or have an unmanaged mental health diagnosis. Maybe something else is going on. Having a professional to talk these things through can be so helpful on the pathway forward.
It’s also true that feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, overwhelm, depression and dread aren’t easy to manage. When these emotions are showing up for you everyday, it’s important to take them seriously, especially if it’s impacting your relationships, care tasks (like hygiene, cleaning, eating, etc.), hobbies, work or school. You don’t have to go through this alone. For more information, please check out our blogs called I have some questions about getting therapy as a youth or young adult or Why would someone sexually harm another person?
No matter what happened, you deserve support! Reach out to our free, confidential helpline as a next step. We can guide you to resources.