What do I do if I know a friend who is sexually abusing a child?
No one ever imagines that they might know someone who is sexually abusing a child or teen. This is the type of situation none of us ever want to be in, right? We can all take steps to make sure that a child is safe by responding when we are aware of something like this. We can help make sure that someone who is hurting a kid stops acting in a harmful way. It is incredibly courageous and responsible of you to want to speak up!
I don't want to get my friend in trouble, but I think they need help
It can be really confusing to be in a situation where a friend is doing something harmful or abusive. On one hand, you may be worried that you will get your friend in trouble by speaking up about what is happening. And on the other hand, you may know that speaking up is how you keep your friend and other people - including children- safe. Some people are reluctant to ask for help, especially from an authority figure, like an adult or the police. This can understandably be a scary step, but when there is abuse happening, it is also an important one.
Benefits to speaking up
If someone you know is sexually abusing a child or another youth, they need - and deserve help. Your friend can get help and support to practice safe behaviors and also to avoid serious consequences if this behavior were to continue. Speaking up doesn’t mean that you are “betraying” your friend, it actually shows that you care about their wellbeing and the wellbeing of the person being abused. It is a courageous step to take, and we understand that speaking up is often a difficult one for many people.
By speaking up about abuse, you are part of the solution to prevent further harm from happening. If your friend is struggling with their sexual behaviors, this could also be a way for them to get access to the professional support they need. The alternative is that they continue crossing boundaries or abusing others, and if this continues happening, they could face more and more serious consequences as a result.
How to get help
Step 1: Prioritize your safety
First: your safety is a priority. That doesn’t mean a child’s safety is second to yours, but if you think that the person abusing the child is dangerous in some way and could become violent, do not do anything to put yourself in danger. You can’t help anyone if you get hurt. So, getting support to figure out how to handle this is absolutely the right thing to do.
Step 2: Youth, find an adult to support you
If you and your friend are under 18, it’s important to recognize that adults need to be responsible to keep children safe. So, the best thing you can do is talk to a safe and trusted adult in your life about your concerns and what you know. Ask for their support to help a child who is being hurt. This may be your parents, a teacher or school counselor or another trusted adult. You might start by letting them know that you are feeling really concerned about your friends safety and believe that they need help.
It’s important to be clear about what is happening so that they understand the severity of the situation, so you might say something like “My friend has been crossing sexual boundaries/sexually abusing someone/a younger kid and I want to make sure they both get the help they need.” They might ask for some details about what has been happening, and it’s okay to describe to them what you have seen or heard. From there, the adult involved can take steps to make sure that your friend and the person being abused get help and support. This might mean that they have to make a report about what is happening, and this isn’t a bad thing. Reporting is a way to make sure that systems who can offer support to both people are involved and that the parents of everyone involved have guidance around how to best support each child.
You might be considering letting the parents of the child experiencing abuse know what you know—that their child is being hurt—but again, you have to prioritize safety. And if you do not know the parents or if the parents are involved in any way in the child’s harm, do not approach them. Only consider speaking to the parents if you know them well and are confident that they would take necessary steps to keep their child safe. Ideally, you have already talked to trusted adults in your life who can help facilitate this.
You can also call your local child protection services or even the police yourself to report a child being hurt. This resource can help you find the number in your state to contact.
Step 2: Adults, contact field experts
If you and your friend are over 18, you do still want to consider whether it is safe or feasible to talk to the child’s parents. It is strongly recommended that you contact either your local police or the local child protective services. (Find services in your state here.) And this may be especially important if your friend is not willing to take accountability for their behaviors and/or seek out professional support. You might choose to take this step even if you do not speak with your friend directly. The top priority is that a child or youth that is experiencing harm get help as soon as possible so that they are no longer being harmed - and yes, this may mean that it is critical that you make this report.
Sometimes not everyone feels like contacting the authorities will be helpful, but this is to protect the child, yourself and even the person who is harming that child. Working with authorities and professionals is often the best way for everyone to find the resources they need to address safety concerns.
Step 3: If safe, speak directly to the person
Depending on your relationship with this person and again, thinking about your safety as priority, you could also consider speaking with them directly, letting them know that you are aware that a child is being harmed and about their involvement. If you are concerned in any way that your friend could be aggressive or violent in any way, do not have this conversation - and definitely not on your own.
If you do feel safe to have this type of conversation, you might start by letting them know that you care about them, and then explain that you are worried about their behaviors that are harmful, and possibly abusive and illegal. You can share that you don’t want to see them put themselves in a position where they face serious consequences, and that it is important that they get help now, emphasizing that you want to help kids stay safe AND you want to help the person to stop abusing by getting help are good ways to begin. They might not know that help is available and you can let them know that it is—that there are counselors who are experienced in working with people with sexually problematic or abusive behaviors and share these resources for Therapy and Support for People 18+ Concerned About Their Own Thoughts and Feelings where they can find a specialized therapist, typically called a sex-specific therapist. A specialized professional can help them manage their thoughts and behaviors and create safety plans so that abusive behaviors do not continue. Stop It Now! also has a guidebook, Let's Talk, that might help you if you are an adult who is talking to another adult.
And you could share our helplines with them for additional support:
The WhatsOK Helpline for teens and young adults: WhatsOK.org or 1.888.532.0550
If a kid is being hurt, the most important step any of us can take is to try and get the abuse to stop, and help the child get to a safe place. But none of us can do that alone—support and good information is important. Our helpline counselors can talk this through with you, and help you identify some next steps.
Get your own support
Knowing that a child has been abused, and feeling worried about what might happen to your friend can be an incredibly difficult position to be in. And it makes sense that this might bring up a lot of complex and difficult feelings. It’s important that you have your own support through this, maybe even a therapist of your own to talk with so you have a safe space to open up. You might check in with a parent if you are still a youth yourself about helping you find someone to talk to. Or if you are an adult, you might seek out a therapist through local mental health agencies or through a referral from your doctor or insurance carrier. You don’t have to navigate this alone, and our helpline is here to help you figure out these steps.