How can I make sure my friend doesn’t hurt anyone (and help keep my friend safe)?

You’re a good friend and this is a great question! Remember that you can’t force anyone to get help but there are always ways to let your friend know that you care about them and want to help them stay and be safe.

Your friend may be feeling really alone with what they are feeling. Struggling with these thoughts and feelings can feel very isolating and overwhelming. Many people want help but don’t know how to ask or worry that others will judge them or shame them.

I want to help my friend stay safe. How?

First, it is good news that your friend shared their feelings or concerns with you.  Or even if you just overheard this, you can offer them a chance to get the help they need; maybe you can let them know there are resources out there so they know that help is available.  Having an ally who is non-judgmental, supportive, and safe can be incredibly important. By talking about what you’ve noticed, you may allow your friend to open up or take steps to get the support they need to make safe choices for themselves and others.

Talk about it

It can be helpful to find someone else to share your concerns with - a parent or other adult if you are a youth, or perhaps a mutual friend or trusted confidant if you are a young adult. You want to find someone who can support you, and who also cares about your friend and can join you in a practical conversation about what steps you might want to take. Our helpline is available to talk with you as well.

It may be possible to talk directly to your friend as well, letting them know that you care about them and that you are worried about some things they’ve said, watched or the way they have behaved. These don’t have to be accusatory conversations - you don’t want to call them names or try to scare them, but rather you can let them know that you are concerned because you care about them and you would like to help them find help.  If you think your friend could react in an angry way, this would not be a safe next step to take at this time.

Some ways to start the conversation:

“I care about you, and I really care about our friendship.  I don’t want anything to get in the way of that for either of us.  I hope it is OK to say to you that sometimes I worry when I hear you talk about (your girl/boyfriend, younger children, etc.) sexually. You mean a lot to me AND I don’t want anyone to get hurt – even accidentally."

“I heard this story about someone who was arrested for watching child pornography. They started by just watching regular porn, and then kept getting deeper into it. It is weird that we can access anything and then when we go too far, we can be locked up.  I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“Hey man. You’re my buddy. When you say things like that about little girls, you are crossing a line in how you are treating (person or child). You know I care about you.  But for me, if you are not respectful – that isn’t ok with me.”

Some things to keep in mind when talking to your friend:

• Let them know that they are not alone and not the only person with these feelings; other people - both other youth and adults struggle with similar thoughts.

• Let them know that there is help and support available for them.

• Your friend may feel out of control and may not really understand why they have these thoughts and behaviors.

• Your friend may be frightened or feel shame or guilt about their thoughts or behaviors.

• Avoid using language that is shameful or accusatory. For example, saying to someone that they “are acting like a monster” usually shuts them down instead of helping them reflect on what is going on.

• However - it is still important to remember and reflect back to your friend that any sexual behaviors with children is never ok, and that they are risking arrest.

• Encourage them to seek out trusted professionals and support

If your friend is under 18, encourage them to seek out the adults in their life who are safe and care about their wellbeing. This might be their parent or caregiver, a teacher or coach, or a leader in their faith community. These adults can help your friend get access to professional support and can fill in other roles as a part of their safety plan. You can offer to go along with them during a conversation like this or help them practice what they’d like to say before they have this talk.

If your friend is legally an adult, you can also encourage them to seek out confidential and professional support. There are counselors who specialize in helping people with their sexual interests and behaviors, who are both caring and nonjudgmental. The ideal time to reach out for help is when no one has been harmed but there are some warning signs to what they are saying or doing.

Be a Part of Their Safety Planning

It helps when people have a plan about how to stay and behave safely that helps them to identify safe people they trust, and activities that they can turn to at times when they are struggling or feel at-risk. Planning for safety includes identifying and avoiding triggering or risky situations - situations where they feel like they are tempted to do something that is harmful or illegal. Safety Planning can be like one’s own personal rules for their own behaviors, or even a reflection of that person’s values and morals.

Older teens and young adults specifically can identify themselves as a safe person for friends to reach out to when they feel unsafe, out-of-control with their behaviors or even when they need a distraction from their thoughts. As part of your friend’s safety plan, you might offer to go for a walk, do an activity you both enjoy outside of the house, or play a video game together - maybe help distract them. Sometimes listening can also be powerful - you don’t have to have all the answers to hear what they’re struggling with, and you can always ask them how you can best support them.

If you are a younger teenager, you can still be an important part of your friend’s safety plan by also being a good listener and knowing when to ask for help from parents and other adults when your friend is saying or doing things that are illegal or unsafe. Helping your friend get help to avoid doing something harmful to themselves or others is caring for your friend.

Most importantly, feeling alone and isolated can increase the chance of someone doing something that is harmful and that they could regret later. Helping someone understand that they are not alone is a huge first step. Share WhatsOK.org and our helpline - we can help them think about how to find and choose a therapist.