Was I groomed?

A teenager reached out to us wondering if they were “groomed.” They met a guy when they were at a skating rink, and thought he was around the same age that they were. They exchanged Snapchats, and then this teen found out that this person was actually much, much older.

He proceeded to talk to this young person about their sex life, sexual topics, and talked about this teen's appearance in a way which really pushed boundaries and felt uncomfortable. He persisted, even when this teen said they weren’t interested and didn’t want him to talk to them this way.

This teen reached out wondering if they were in the wrong, and if they were being groomed. They said they felt gross because this isn’t the first time a significantly older adult sexualized them like this.

Asking for Help Takes Bravery

We told this young person that we were so proud of them reaching out to us and asking for help, and we let them know that their instincts were right - that what this adult was doing was not okay or safe. We want this person - and all young people - to know that it’s important for adults to treat youth with respect and care, and to not behave in sexualized ways with children or teens - ever. And we let them know that we were so sorry that they had this experience.

This Was Not Their Fault

It’s normal for a person to worry that they may be blamed in situations like these, but we wanted to let this person know that the way this adult behaved towards them was not their fault. Sometimes it can be hard to tell how old someone is just by looking at them, and it’s okay to be friendly and open! Being friendly towards someone is not an invitation to be treated inappropriately, nor to be made to feel uncomfortable. After this young person shared their age, this adult should have treated them with respect, being mindful of safe and age-appropriate behaviors. There are laws in place to protect children and teens because there is a difference in the power dynamics between a much older adult and a youth. It is always an adult’s responsibility to set safe limits with children and teens.

Additionally, this person asked if it was their fault because they are having this experience frequently, where an adult is behaving sexually towards them. Again - this is an absolute NO! It is not their fault that this is happening. It’s great that this person wants to be responsible and reflect on their own behavior. But regardless of anything a child or teen does, it again is always the adults responsibility to understand and practice safe behaviors around youth.

This Adult’s Behavior Was a Warning Sign

So yes, the behaviors this adult was engaging in were worrisome and unsafe - and these types of behaviors are warning signs. The way he continually talked about this young person’s sexuality and asked inappropriate questions was not okay. When we talk about “grooming” - or what we call warning sign behaviors - we talk about the fact that these behaviors typically come up again and again. Warning sign behaviors have to do with patterns, and involve getting a person to feel “okay” with inappropriate behaviors slowly, often over time. They are done with the intention of turning a relationship involving an adult and a youth into a sexual one, which is sexual abuse. These types of behaviors may at first seem innocent, such as touching someone on the shoulder, but then they might continue and then the touch is on the upper back, lower back, then the butt - but perhaps they pass it off as a joke or do it in front of other adults (or even a parent) to make it seem “normal.” Or the person doing the touching ignores requests to stop - a “NO”, such as this young person describes - which is not okay.

Finding a Safe Adult to Help With Next Steps

Then we talked about what to do next - that it’s important for this young person to not keep this to themselves and to think of a safe adult who they can talk to. We encouraged them to share the screenshots of what this adult said to them with a trusted adult, so they can help them take next steps - like reporting. Other next steps could involve making sure this adult leaves them alone at the skating rink, blocking them on Snapchat, and even talking to a counselor. Even if what this adult is doing isn’t against the law yet, notifying the authorities may still be helpful in keeping a record of the type of behavior he’s been engaging in - and making sure other adults are aware and taking action.

Ongoing Support

And by talking this through with a safe adult - like a parent or another adult they trust - they can figure out what they want and need too. It’s really brave to have reached out, and yet we heard how much this adult’s actions affected them - and how disgusted they felt. It’s normal for something like this to affect a person’s self-esteem or mental health, but we want them to know that they don’t have to carry this around in isolation - they can ask to speak with a therapist if that feels like something they want. A therapist can help process any feelings they have, and help make sure they have any coping skills they need so this doesn’t continue to affect them. They deserve help to work through whatever is coming up for them. Some people think they can only go to counseling for a “big thing” but that’s not true! They can also help with everyday mental health and any other concern that comes up at school or home.

Check out our FAQs on Finding Help to learn more about how to start this conversation with a safe adult.

We’re so proud of this person for breaking the silence, and hope they were able to get the support they deserved.