Do I need support for unwanted sexual thoughts or attractions involving children?
Our sexual thoughts and feelings are complex, and often not one-size-fits-all. Not everyone who has a sexual thought about a child will identify that they are sexually attracted to children. These thoughts can come up for a lot of other reasons—they could just be a passing thought, an intrusive thought, or triggered by something external. However, these thoughts may be present all the time, cause distress, or make you feel worried about sexually harming a child. If you want to understand more about these unwanted sexual thoughts and what they mean, there is definitely support available. We recommend you reach out for help.
How are unwanted sexual thoughts and sexual attraction to children different?
Every person is unique, including what and who they feel attracted to and what sexually arouses them. Sexual attraction is fluid, and can change over time. Some people are able to identify early on what their sexual attraction is, while others may still be figuring this out even into adulthood. Many people use labels to define their sexual attraction, but others might feel like they don’t fit into a specific label. The science behind when and how our attractions develop is still ongoing—there is some research that suggests that we are born with a specific sexual attraction while other research points to life experiences and other circumstances that can impact or influence sexual attraction.
Typically, as we get older, the people we feel attracted to also get older. As a youth, it’s normal to feel attracted to people within 3-4 years of your own age. However, there are developmental differences among children and teens, so it’s not always safe or healthy to engage in a relationship with another youth when there is a large age gap between you and other youth. As people reach adulthood, it’s not uncommon for them to engage in relationships with age gaps. As long as both people are consenting adults, and there aren’t any other power dynamics (like a boss and their employee, a college professor and their student) then there isn’t anything wrong with feeling attracted to another adult who is a bit older or younger than yourself.
We’ve talked with adults who are sexually attracted to children who shared that they realized they were attracted to children much younger than themselves by the time they hit early adolescence. For other people, they didn’t recognize this until they were a bit older (late teens or early adulthood). Having a sexual attraction to children isn’t something that someone chooses, and actually, most people who feel sexually attracted to children don’t want to feel this way or act on these thoughts and feelings. Check out our blog Why do people have sexual thoughts about younger children? to learn more.
Can people who feel sexually attracted to children also feel sexually attracted to people their own age?
Yes, and actually this is not uncommon. Some people do have an exclusive sexual attraction to children, where they only feel sexually attracted to children. But many others may feel sexually attracted to children, but also feel equally sexually attracted to peers their own age or even people older than them. This can make it even more difficult to understand and process feelings; these are complex feelings and there is stigma associated with people who feel sexually attracted to children. Someone feeling this way may feel like they don’t fit into one box or another, or feel left out from conversations about people who feel sexually attracted to children because they also feel attracted to and engage in relationships with peers.
Questions to help you determine if you need support for unwanted sexual thoughts or attractions involving children
If you are concerned and wondering about your own sexual thoughts and behaviors towards significantly younger children, we encourage you to answer these questions honestly. When we say “significantly younger,” we mean there is usually about a 3-year age gap between you and the children you are thinking about.
It is normal and healthy to have questions about sex and sexuality. When these questions involve sex with younger children, it is important to check in with yourself. Especially if you are a teenager thinking about younger children, or if you are a young adult thinking about underaged youth.
If you answer “yes” to more than one of these questions, it can be really helpful to speak confidentially with a counselor who works with people on sexual behavior questions. These questions are designed to help you decide whether you may want to ask for help from a professional counselor.
If you’re under 18 and wondering about sexual thoughts involving children:
Answer YES or NO to the following 10 questions. These questions are meant for people under age 18. (Scroll down for questions for people over age 18.)
Have you ever felt a sexual attraction/feelings of arousal for a child who is significantly younger than you (usually at least 3 years younger)?
Do you feel unable to talk to anyone about those feelings and/or believe that you must keep your feelings a secret?
Have you looked at videos or images because they showed significantly younger children? If so, have you wanted to stop but found that you could not?
Have you ever had sexual contact with children significantly younger than you?
Have you secretly watched younger children or exposed yourself (exhibitionism) to younger children for sexual, romantic or other purposes?
Have you bought gifts for significantly younger children, offered favors, or given them money in order to get them to trust you and like you so that you could be physically, emotionally, or sexually close to them? If so, were you hopeful that you could touch them sexually, or have a sexual and/or intimate relationship with them?
Have you had unwanted and/or repeating fantasies of significantly younger children but felt unable to control those thoughts?
Do you find that romantic/sexual fantasies about, or sexual behavior toward, children or underage teens interferes with your life in any way?
Do your feelings of sexual attraction and/or arousal to younger children conflict with your spiritual beliefs or moral values?
Has your sexual attraction to children ever left you feeling worried or frightened, ashamed, hopeless or suicidal, different or alienated from others? Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you were not sexually attracted to younger children?
If you answer YES to more than one question or aren’t sure about how to respond, we encourage you to seek more information, support and help from a professional trained in healthy sexuality and problematic sexual behaviors. You don’t have to figure this out alone. There is non-judgmental, compassionate help available! Text, chat, email or call us for support today.
If you’re 18 or older and wondering about sexual thoughts involving children:
Answer YES or NO to the following 10 questions. These questions are meant for people ages 18 or older.
Have you ever felt a sexual attraction/feelings of arousal for children or underage teenagers (a boy or girl 17 years old or younger)?
Have you been unable to talk to anyone about those feelings and/or believe that you must keep your feelings a secret?
Have you looked at or purchased videos or other sexual materials that showed children or underage teens?
Have you ever had sexual contact with children or underage teens?
Have you ever secretly watched children or underage teens (window peeping or voyeurism) or exposed yourself (exhibitionism) to children or underage teens for sexual, romantic or other purposes?
Have you bought gifts for children or underage teens, offered favors, or given them money in order to get them to trust you and like you so that you could be physically, emotionally, or sexually close to them? If so, were you hopeful that you could touch them sexually, or have a sexual and/or intimate relationship with them?
Have you shown pornography (or material that is sexual in nature) to children or underage teens, or intentionally left it where they could find?
Have you sexualized or romanticized an interaction with a child or underage teen, such as eye contact or a hug, or told yourself "age is just a number," or "he/she is mature for his/her age," or something similar to make yourself feel better about your sexual thoughts or behaviors toward children or underage teens?
Have you ever wanted to stop looking at sexual images and materials of children and found you could not stop?
Have you had unwanted and/or repeated fantasies or sexualization of children but felt unable to control those thoughts?
How can people find help to understand and learn more about their sexual thoughts and attractions involving children?
If you answer YES to more than one question or aren’t sure about how to respond, we encourage you to seek more information, support and help from a professional trained in healthy sexuality and problematic sexual behaviors.
If you are an adult and you want to talk to a specialized therapist about feeling a sexual attraction to children, our blog Where can I get help for my sexual thoughts about children (as an adult)?
If you are still a youth yourself, you can ask for a parent's help in finding a therapist to talk to. Many youth feel concerned about how to explain to their parents about needing a therapist, so check out our blog I don’t want my parents to find out why I want therapy for some guidance around ways that you can ask a safe adult in your life for help.
Our blog How do I talk to my therapist about being sexually attracted to children? provides some guidance about how to bring this topic up with a therapist in a way that feels safe and comfortable.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. There is non-judgmental, compassionate help available! Text, chat, email or call us for support today.
