I was abused. Am I an abuser now?

We’ve heard from many young people asking for help because they were sexually abused when they were younger, and now they’re asking if they are destined to be someone who sexually abuses children. That is a really scary worry to carry! But it is a common question from people who have been abused. And some of the people who have asked us for help do worry specifically that maybe they hurt a playmate or younger brother or sister because, when they were kids, they played some sort of sexual game with them. Here’s how we respond.

Are people who are sexually abused more likely to sexually abuse someone else?

So first and most importantly, No! No one is destined to become a person who abuses other people. And we’re sorry to hear that you were sexually abused. It’s so courageous to reach out and ask for help to understand your behavior when you were younger. That’s really responsible! Research actually shows us that the majority of people who have been sexually abused do not go on to harm others.

That said, anyone who has experienced any kind of trauma or abuse often needs and deserves help and support. That might include working with a professional to explore what safe behaviors look like, since a person who has only experienced abusive relationships and behaviors might not know what safe relationships look like. Being abused can make things like relationships, safety, decision making, mental health and/or physical wellbeing more of a struggle than for someone who hasn’t experienced sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can affect how you think, feel, or react to the world around you. But everyone’s experience is unique and personal.

In some cases, someone who has experienced trauma or abuse may engage in behavior that sexually harms another youth. Sometimes, a person who has been sexually abused doesn't understand safe behaviors and may think that harming someone is how sex happens. Or maybe they are mimicking what happened to them as a way to try to figure out their own experience. No matter the reason, sexually harming someone is still not OK.

If you experienced sexual abuse, rest assured that you are NOT destined to turn out "like the person who abused you". We’ve heard from many others who are wondering this same thing. Healing from sexual abuse is possible. Reach out to our helpline if you need support because you were abused or with any other questions about the impacts of sexual abuse.

Kids’ behaviors are different than adults’

Children’s and young teens’ sexual behaviors are very different from adults’ sexual behaviors. Kids often practice sexual behaviors because they are curious and/or they are copying what they’ve seen around them. When children behave sexually with other children, it most often isn’t what we might think of as abusive. Children don’t always know what behaviors actually are even sexual. And they certainly don’t always know which ones are ok and which ones are not. They may not understand things like permission, consent or boundaries. This is not to excuse any behavior, but it helps us better understand why children may do what they do. 

But as kids get older, they should learn about these things. As they learn more, their behaviors become safer. They start to know what the rules are, and they understand boundaries and respect more clearly. And they need support to be responsible for their behaviors so that they are safe.

Yes, some kids who have been sexually abused do go on to abuse another kid. But it’s rare. Plus, there are also usually other contributing factors, like whether that person got good support at the time they were abused. And even so, the reasons that a child may sexually abuse another child are very different from why adults may sexually abuse a child. 

Support is key

Bottom line: if someone is concerned about their sexual behaviors, then it’s time to reach out for help. Everyone deserves support and guidance to learn more about what’s going on for them. Asking questions about behaviors is a smart thing to do. It helps us take control of our lives and their behaviors. That is true for someone who was sexually abused or was not.

Everyone deserves a support network, so they don’t have to deal with anything alone. Often, a trained counselor who works with people who were sexually abused is the best person to talk with about this. Our Helpline helps folks think about what kind of support they would like and how to find it.

If you’re worried about yourself or someone else, have questions, or need to talk, we’re here. Text, chat, email or call our helpline.