What are the warning signs that my sexual behavior may be harmful?
It takes a lot of courage to take a look at your own behaviors and check in about whether you may be crossing sexual boundaries. We hear from so many people who are trying to understand and learn about how to navigate sex and relationships safely. So, we felt like it would be helpful to talk about some examples of warning signs that indicate your sexual behavior may be crossing boundaries or harming another person.
Here are some warning signs.
Not respecting boundaries
Consent is a clear and enthusiastic agreement between two people to participate in sexual activities that is freely given, without the use of force, coercion, or threats. For a more interesting explanation check out this video about consent.
Consent: It’s as Simple as Tea
Consent should include talking about the boundaries that both you and your partner are comfortable with. For example, someone may be okay with having oral sex, but they do not want to have intercourse right now. Pushing someone past their boundaries is problematic. Pay attention if you feel you know better than someone else what they might want to do sexually, or if you think your needs and interests are more important than your sexual partners.
Our own FAQ called What is Consent? might help to understand more about navigating consent.
Taking advantage of a situation
Taking advantage of a situation can look like feeling turned on or aroused, and trying to meet your sexual needs without caring about others especially when something might be going on for them that makes them vulnerable - and can result in you having more power and control in the situation.
If you take advantage of a situation when a person is vulnerable to get your sexual needs met this is harmful behavior. Taking advantage of someone can look like trying to be sexual with someone who: is drunk or high, is depressed because their previous partner broke up with them, or is worried about something as serious as being homeless because their parents or roommates found out they were gay. Trying to “get with” someone who is vulnerable can quickly become harmful. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
If someone has sexual thoughts, feelings, and/or fantasies about people who are vulnerable, such as a child or someone with severe intellectual disabilities, then this could be a warning sign. Having a single sexual thought about a child may just mean that your brain is processing something and that there is no “real” risk - but we can still pay attention. Acting on these feelings or thoughts is harmful and likely illegal.
Using force, threats, or coercion
There may be times when a partner does not want to engage in a sexual activity - even if you are turned on and aroused by them. Maybe they don’t feel ready, maybe they are tired, or maybe they are just not in the mood. If you force, threaten and/or manipulate someone into being sexual, this is no longer a consensual act. This can look like promising to do something nice for the other person if they have sex with you or threatening to share personal information if the person does not have sex. This behavior is not OK. No means NO. And a lack of Yes means NO. If the word Yes is not said, then it is a NO. At a minimum, it is harmful, and it is potentially even illegal.
Your own discomfort
If you are feeling uncomfortable with your behaviors, if you worry that you have crossed a line, this can be a warning sign. You are listening to yourself - that’s great! And your feelings are telling you something important that deserves more attention. Perhaps you asked someone to have sex with you, they seemed nervous or scared and didn’t say “yes” - but you went ahead and were sexual with them - and now you feel bad. If you continually ignore visual signs that someone is uncomfortable having sex - even if they go along with what you want them to do - then there is a strong possibility that the boundaries are not clear, and therefore can be harmful.
If you are recognizing some of these warning signs in your own behavior, we are here to help you in finding resources and support to make safer sexual decisions. Reach out to our Helpline to talk with one of our counselors more about what you are noticing in your sexual behaviors and what next steps might look like.
What will happen to me if I engage in sexually harmful or illegal behaviors?
It's natural to be worried, and yes, there are some potential serious consequences. If you are legally an adult and are reported for engaging in illegal sexual behaviors, including child sexual abuse and viewing child sexual abuse images, you could get into legal trouble, including being arrested. If you are convicted of a sexual offense, the court may order you to get sex-specific treatment, make changes to your living situation, and/or order supervision by law enforcement. Possible legal consequences may also include probation, incarceration/imprisonment, fines, and/or needing to register as a sex offender.
If you are still a kid yourself, the laws in each state (and country) can be different, and depending on the level of the behavior and the ages of all those involved. Certain sexual behaviors could be considered illegal and the kid or teen behaving harmfully could be charged with a sexual offense. In some states, teenagers are often considered adults by the legal system if charged with a sexual offense, especially if they are over the age of 14.
Whether a kid is charged with a sexual offense or not, they may still be mandated to attend therapy and other services may be put in place to help. If a youth harms another youth, and there is concern that the harmful behaviors will continue, that youth may be placed in a residential setting, which is like living in a boarding school or group living situation, except that there are very strict rules about behaviors and a very structured environment that includes group and individual therapy. It is also possible that a kid who hurts another kid in their family may have to leave the home to prevent any further harm until everyone gets some help. They may have to live with another family member, a foster family or again - a residential program. This is not what happens to every youth who engages in sexually harmful or illegal behaviors. It depends on many factors, such as the situation, the ages of those involved, the history of previous similar behaviors, and other factors in the youth’s life.
There may be situations where even if the sexual behavior is harmful, it may not be considered illegal or it is never reported to the authorities. What then?
Each individual then faces their own personal consequences; there is no certain outcome. There could be a loss of friendships and other relationships; friends and family may feel betrayed and even angry. You may even find that you are feeling a lot of shame and guilt, even self-hatred, leading possibly to depression or anxiety. Our Helpline often hears from people who are feeling bad about something they did to someone else in the past, and now realize that it was harmful behavior and want to know what they can do next to take responsibility. It’s also possible that someone could get away with harmful and illegal behaviors - and maybe then get reported for it years later. There is almost always some sort of consequence - at least personally for the person.
Our blog “I sexually harmed someone and I'm worried about what's going to happen to me now.” may help to answer some more of your questions.
If you’re concerned your sexual behaviors are harmful or illegal, talk to our confidential helpline.
