Is it okay for my teacher, boss, or coach to be flirting with me?
Questions about whether a person in authority, like a teacher, boss, or coach, flirting is okay can be hard to navigate. It might feel confusing, especially if the person seems nice or if you’re unsure how to react. But there is a hard line here - it is never okay for someone in a position of authority to flirt or try to start a relationship with someone they are in charge of or responsible for. This is true no matter what your age is - or old they are.
Why? Because someone with authority over you has power in your life A boss decides if you keep your job. A coach decides if you get to play. A teacher decides what grades you get. This kind of power can make it really hard to say no, even if they seem like they care about you. You might worry about getting in trouble, losing opportunities, or being treated unfairly if you don’t go along with it.
Even if they say they have good intentions, the power difference means it’s never a fair or equal situation. You are dependenting on them for your success and wellbeing - and safety. There is a power dynamic that exists, regardless of their intentions. If this is happening to you, know that it’s not your fault, and you deserve to feel safe and respected. If you need support, there are people who can help.
Potential illegal behavior
An adult in authority to you who attempts to have a sexual or romantic relationship is engaging in illegal behavior in some cases, such as if you are a minor - it is never okay for an adult to engage in any sexual or romantic relationship with a youth whether it’s your teacher, boss, coach or anyone else. This type of behavior would also be illegal if it violates any sexual harassment laws at your school or at work. There are typically policies in place to protect people in situations like this who might feel unsafe or unwelcome advances from someone in a position of authority.
Getting support
If you feel concerned about how your teacher or boss is behaving with you, it’s a good idea to document everything happening and talk to a parent if you are underage, or with any other trusted adult. Explain to them what you are experiencing and how the other person is behaving with you. It is the adult’s responsibility in your life to get involved when you don’t feel safe. And if you can’t find an adult to talk to, our helpline is here for you - to help you figure out next steps.
Regardless of your age, some steps you can take include possibly checking in with any friends or colleagues who might have witnessed this person’s behavior, and asking them to write down what they saw. Add this to your own documentation of what is going on.
You can also ask for a copy of your employee handbook or school policies which may outline guidelines that govern behavior and can help name what policies this individual is breaking. Additionally, you could reach out to your Human Resources (HR) department or school administration office to report what is happening. Project When has more information on How to report workplace harassment.
A lot of people find it helpful, too, when they are going through something that feels confusing or overwhelming to find a counselor to talk to and get feedback about the situation. This would give you a safe space to talk through and get feedback on what’s going on, and a supportive person to walk you through your next steps. Speaking up about something like this can be really difficult, so our helpline counselors are here to talk you through how to get access to resources and plan your next steps.