I may have crossed a sexual boundary. What do I do now?

This is such a brave question - and an important one! Asking questions like this is a sign of responsibility and shows that you care for yourself and for the people in your life.

How do I know when I have crossed a sexual boundary?

Look for verbal and physical cues.

You can look for both verbal and physical signs to show that someone feels uncomfortable and that you may be crossing a boundary.

Someone might communicate directly to you that you are crossing a boundary. A verbal “no” is a NO. A “no” answer needs to be respected. Consent is required every time, and it should never be assumed. Our FAQ: What is Consent? gives some more information about what this looks like. If you have to convince, push, or persuade someone to be sexual with you, you have ignored and crossed boundaries. Even if you “teased” someone into being sexual with you or saw an opportunity to be sexual with someone when they were lonely, sad, or vulnerable in some way - including being drunk or high - then safe boundaries were ignored and crossed.

Someone saying, “I’m not sure” means that they are uncertain. This is not a “yes.” This means slow down and ask more questions about what they want to do. It may mean you both want different things - including that someone may not be interested in anything sexual at the moment, and that needs to be respected.

Also pay attention to nonverbal responses. It’s important to be mindful of how someone is reacting to your behavior - do they seem upset, withdrawn, or scared? Do they seem shut down, or unresponsive? Are they emotional about what is happening, like crying or seeming distant? This could indicate that someone is uncomfortable with what is happening and they may feel as though their boundaries are being crossed. Our blog “Can someone say no without actually saying it?” gives some more guidance about what to look for.

Check in with yourself.

Take a second to tune in to your emotions. If you are having feelings of hesitation or you feel uncomfortable yourself about what is happening, that’s a clue that you may be crossing a boundary. Sometimes if we take a moment to notice how our body is feeling, we may have a clue that something doesn’t feel right. Maybe our stomach is in knots, our flesh is tingly, or something feels “off.” It’s important to reflect and listen to your own feelings and internal body cues about what is going on so you can make safe choices.

It’s always a good idea to check in about how you would feel if the roles were reversed too. Ask yourself, “How would I feel if I was being treated in this way?” If you wouldn’t want to be treated like this, or this behavior would make you feel as if your boundaries have been violated, then others would likely feel the same way.

You can also try to take an outside perspective with what choices you’re about to make beforehand. For example, “What would my best friend think about how I’m handling this? Does it seem like I’m making a healthy choice right now if I were looking at this situation neutrally and trying to give myself advice on what to do next?”

If you feel that you may have crossed a boundary, we can talk with you about what you want to do next and explore our FAQ: What do I do if I have crossed a sexual boundary? together. You’ve already taken a courageous step to learn more, and it’s ok to ask for some help to figure out what to do.

What do I do if I have crossed a sexual boundary?

It’s great that you want to know what to do if you think you have crossed a line. You have the opportunity to address the situation and take responsibility for your actions - and that matters! This is a brave step and you’re doing the right thing by asking questions and looking for help.

If this is a relationship and someone you care about, apologize, offer to talk more, ask if they need help and know the resources available to them. Also seek out help for yourself, get support! You can text our helpline to talk about what you need to prepare for these steps.

If this is not someone you are involved with but someone who is a part of your life in some way, apologize and maybe have a mutual friend check in with them.

If this is not someone you know and who is mostly a stranger, you can also apologize if that is a possibility.

In any of these situations, it is important to realize that the other person may not want to discuss what happened - and this is their right. If that happens, thank them for letting you know and leave the conversation.

What does an apology look like?

Beginning these conversations may sound like:

• “I recognize that my behavior crossed a line with you and that it may have impacted you in many ways.”

• “I’m sorry for any harm that my behavior has caused. If this is something you do want to talk about, please let me know”

If they want to continue the conversation, you ask them what they would like to happen next - and then listen to that. While you may not be able to respond to everything - just listen. And then thank them, and let them know that you respect how they feel and what they want. If true, let them know that your intention is to learn from this, what you did wrong and what you plan to do next - such as seek out counseling, learn more about your behavior and stop behaving in ways that hurt others.

What does growth look like?

Finally, but equally important, is what you do moving forward. Follow up on anything that you have said you would do. Reflect and learn: What can you learn from this incident and your behavior? Has this happened before and what was the impact then? What kind of help and information would support you? How can you handle things differently next time so that no more lines are crossed?

Check out these blogs to learn more about ways that you can approach these conversations and other steps you can take:

• I feel bad I manipulated my partner into having sex with me.

• I touched my friend and I know I wasn’t supposed to. What can I do now?

What do I do if friends have told me that I cross lines, but I don’t know what to change?

Wow, not everyone pays attention to this and it's really responsible and brave of you to ask this question. It can be confusing to hear friends tell you that you’re doing something that you don’t really see in yourself or that you don’t know how to “fix”. It’s courageous of you to look for more information. You’ve already taken the first step of what you can do - learn more.

The most important thing you can do is pay attention if someone tells you that you have crossed the line, especially a sexual line, with your behaviors. You don’t have to agree with everything being said, but you can listen respectfully, ask for examples, and explore whether there is something for you to learn about your behaviors. You may even ask them if they have a suggestion on what behaviors would feel safer, more respectful.

No one wants to hear that they might be hurting someone or reading a situation wrong, so your first response may be “no way!” But you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, about others and about safe behaviors that will help you have healthy and happy friendships and relationships. Listen as best as you can, without trying to deny or defend your behavior.

It may help to look at the FAQ, “How do I know when I have crossed a sexual boundary?” and blog, “My friend told me I was being weird, but I don't understand what I did wrong.” to see if anything sounds familiar and could apply to the situations your friends are talking about.

And then you can decide if you want to change something about your behaviors. And you can ask for help! People do it all the time and we can help you get started, if you want. It’s ok to ask questions if you are unsure of how your sexual behaviors may be inappropriate or even harmful. The WhatsOK helpline can help you think it through. Text, chat, email, or call us.