I may have crossed a sexual boundary. What do I do now?

This is such a brave question - and an important one! Asking questions like this is a sign of responsibility and shows that you care for yourself and for the people in your life.

How do I know when I have crossed a sexual boundary?

Look for verbal and physical cues.

You can look for both verbal and physical signs to show that you and the person you are with are not on the same page, they are uncomfortable, or you have crossed a boundary.

Someone might communicate directly to you that you are crossing a boundary. A verbal “no” is a NO. A “no” answer needs to be respected. Consent is important to every intimate moment, and it should never be assumed. Our Blog: Why does consent matter? gives some more information about what this looks like. If you are trying to convince, push, or persuade someone to be sexual with you, you have ignored and crossed boundaries. Even if you “teased” someone into being sexual with you or saw an opportunity to be sexual with someone when they were lonely, sad, or vulnerable in some way - including being drunk or high - then safe boundaries were ignored and crossed.

Someone saying, “I’m not sure” means that they are uncertain. This is not a “yes.” This means stop and ask more questions about what they may want. It may mean you both want different things - including that someone may not be interested in touching or anything sexual at the moment, and that needs to be respected.

Also pay attention to nonverbal responses. It’s important to be mindful of how someone is reacting to your behavior - do they seem upset, withdrawn, or scared? Do they seem shut down, stiff, or unresponsive? Are they emotional about what is happening, like crying or seeming distant? This could be a sign that someone is uncomfortable with what is happening and they may feel as though their boundaries are being crossed. Again, stop and start talking.  Ask what they want and if they want to stop.  Our blog Can someone say no without actually saying it? gives some more guidance about what to look for.

Check in with yourself.

Take a second to tune in to your emotions. Even if something feels good, don’t ignore the signs that the other person may not be on the same page as you. If it feels good to you, it still might not feel good or right for the other person. 

Or you might find that you are having feelings of hesitation or you feel uncomfortable about what is happening, that’s a clue that you may be crossing a boundary. It might mean that you are being asked to do something you don’t want to do.  Sometimes if we take a moment to notice how our body is feeling, we may have a clue that something doesn’t feel right. Maybe our stomach is in knots, our flesh is tingly, or something feels “off.” It’s important to reflect and listen to your own feelings and internal body cues about what is going on so you can make safe choices.

It’s always a good idea to check in about how you would feel if the roles were reversed too. Ask yourself, “How would I feel if I was being treated in this way?” “How would I feel if my loved ones were treated in this way?”  If this does not seem right to you, then stop and take a breath.  If you feel like you are “getting away with something” rather than being respectful of the other person, then stop.  This might not be the best path forward.  .

You can also try to take an outside perspective with what choices you’re about to make beforehand. For example, “What would my best friend think about how I’m handling this? Does it seem like I’m making a healthy choice right now if I were looking at this situation neutrally and trying to give myself advice on what to do next?” 

What do I do if I have crossed a sexual boundary?

This is a brave question. You have the opportunity to explore what happened and possibly take responsibility for your actions - and that matters! You’re doing the right thing by asking questions and looking for help. You can text the WhatsOK helpline to talk about what you need to prepare for these steps.

If this is a relationship and someone you care about, talk with them about what happened.  Listen to what they say and the impact it may have had on them.  Reflect back to them what you have heard and  offer to talk more if that is helpful to them.  Depending upon what they say, you can also ask if there is some way to repair the harm that you may have caused.  Last, you may want to ask if they need help  finding other resources available to them.

If this is not someone you are involved with but someone who is a part of your life in some way, you can try to reach out to them directly or you may want to ask a mutual friend to check in with them.

In any of these situations, it is important to realize that the other person may not want to discuss what happened - and this is their right. If that happens, thank them for letting you know and leave the conversation.

What does a repair conversation  look like?

Beginning these conversations may sound like:

• “I recognize that my behavior may have crossed a line with you and that it may have impacted you in many ways. I did not want to leave this silent between us, and wondered if you wanted to talk about it?”

• “I wanted to talk about what happened between us and the impact this may have had.  Would you be willing to talk with me?  

• “I’m sorry for any harm that my behavior has caused. If this is something you do want to talk about, please let me know”

If the person you may have crossed a boundary with wants to have a conversation with you, be sure to pause and ask them what they would like to happen next - and then listen to them. While you may not be able to respond to everything - just listen to how they describe what happened and the impact this had on them. And then thank them for their courage, and let them know that you respect how they feel and what they want. If true, let them know that your intention is to learn from this, what you did wrong and what you plan to do next - such as seek out counseling, learn more about your behavior and stop behaving in ways that hurt others.  You may also ask them if there is anything you can do to repair any harm they may have felt.  Again, you don’t have to agree right away, you just need to listen.  

What does growth look like?

Finally, but equally important, is what you do moving forward. Follow up on anything that you have said you would do. Reflect and learn: What can you learn from this incident and your behavior? Has this happened before and what was the impact then? What kind of help and information would support you? How can you handle things differently next time so that no more lines are crossed?

Check out these blogs to learn more about ways that you can approach these conversations and other steps you can take:

• I feel bad I manipulated my partner into having sex with me.

• I touched my friend and I know I wasn’t supposed to. What can I do now?

What do I do if friends have told me that I cross lines, but I don’t know what to change?

Wow, not everyone pays attention to this and it's really responsible and brave of you to ask this question. It can be confusing to hear friends tell you that you’re doing something that you don’t really see in yourself or that you don’t know how to “fix”.  It’s courageous of you to look for more information. You’ve already taken the first step of what you can do - learn more.

The most important thing you can do is pay attention if someone tells you that you have crossed the line, especially a sexual line, with your behaviors. You don’t have to agree with everything being said, but you can listen respectfully, listen for the impact your actions may have had on the other person, you can ask for specific examples if that can help you understand, and explore whether there is something for you to learn about your behaviors. If you are in a relationship, you may even ask them if they have a suggestion on what behaviors would feel safer, more respectful.

No one wants to hear that they might be hurting someone or reading a situation wrong, so your first response may be “no way!” What they are saying may not match how you feel about yourself or about what you did.  But you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, about your impact on others and about safe behaviors that will help you have healthy and happy friendships and relationships. Listen as best as you can, without trying to deny or defend your behavior.

And then you can decide if you want to change something about your behaviors. And you don’t have to do that alone. WhatsOK can help! People reach out to us all of the time and we can help you get started. It’s ok to ask questions if you are unsure of how your sexual behaviors may be inappropriate or even harmful. The WhatsOK helpline can help you think it through. Text, chat, email, or call us.