How do I talk to my roommate about their loud sex noises?
A WhatsOK Helpline user spoke with us about how they could hear their roommate when they were masturbating and having sex. As a result, they were losing sleep because this was happening loudly late at night. They weren’t sure how to address this with their roommate, and were reaching out for help to start the conversation.
It makes sense that this person wasn’t prepared to have a talk like this. This is a hard conversation for anyone to have. For folks who are young adults, this was likely the first time they needed to prepare for a conversation like this about personal boundaries. We’re so glad that this person reached out. Getting support to prepare for this type of conversation is really a form of self-care — and courageously having difficult conversations like this helps everyone know the boundaries and expectations that support safe and supportive living environments.
House and roommate rules can include boundaries around sexual behavior like loud noises
Typically roommates talk about more general things regarding chores, house cleanliness, notifying people about houseguests, partners staying over, and pets — so talking about sexual behavior etiquette can be a helpful add-on to what’s already in place. Setting boundaries and establishing rules — even about things like sexual behaviors and noises — do not have to be accusatory or defensive conversations. It is fair to ask a roommate to pay attention to the comfort of others by respecting rules that are designed to create a safe and healthy homelife.
Preparation for the discussion about sex noise boundaries
Understandably this person didn’t want to make their roommate feel bad,and they didn’t want to seem controlling or creepy either. They wanted to get back to sleeping well, as this was impacting their general health and wellbeing. Getting started is often the hardest part of an anticipated uncomfortable conversation so some language to get started was identified:
"I want everyone to be able to enjoy their space privately, but since we live in close proximity to one another, I'm wondering if we can set some ground rules around sex/masturbation/private time"
"Now that we've lived together for X amount of time, I’d like to discuss establishing some general rules about situations that have come up..." Those can also involve "quiet hours" Sunday night thru Thursday night (after 10:30pm, only music via airpods, etc.), or whatever else they think would make sense. Be prepared to have this person give suggestions or pushback too.
"This feels awkward for me to bring up, but I wanted to check in so we both feel comfortable in our living space. I noticed that… [even though we all have our own rooms, the walls are thin and sound travels easily] so I’m wondering if we can set some house rules around masturbation/sex/late night activities"
It’s helpful to think about when to have this conversation too. For example, not too many people want to have a serious conversation first thing in the morning, or the minute they walk into the house after a hard day of school or work. So we shared with this young person the recommendation that they ask their roommate when it would be comfortable to have a house meeting.
Another consideration is the method of delivery: if a face-to-face talk would seem too confrontational or awkward, then sending a text instead may be a good idea. This gives the person the space to digest the information and respond on their own time. This text can include the request to address the concern, and further invitation to have a face-to-face discussion
Be open to adapting and compromising with your roommates
It’s also important to remember that when you’re living with other people, it’s impractical for them to completely change how they do things without you also making some concessions. Living in a shared space means compromise. We talked to this person who reached out to us about how they may be able to change some of what they do too. Here are some other ideas about adapting the environment when a person is living with others:
Invest in a white noise machine or a fan/white noise app
Put in earbuds or earplugs to sleep
See if the roommate can take their mattress off the floor (if it is on the floor), so that noise doesn’t travel as easily between rooms
If the floors are wood, suggest putting down carpets so sounds are more muffled
Consider putting a tapestry or acoustic panels on adjoining walls
If you’re struggling to have similar conversations with roommates, reach out to our expert helpline consultants for free, confidential support. You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here to help.
