Is my sexual fetish a problem?
“I feel really weird even saying it because I’m a girl, but I have this fetish and it’s the only way I can get off during sex. I’m not sure if that’s weird or not. My girlfriend seems okay with it, but I’m just wondering if it’s normal or if it could be a problem?”
Is it normal to have a sexual fetish?
It’s great that you are here asking these questions! It can feel isolating to be worried about your own fantasies and whether they are “abnormal”. First, it’s important to know that everyone has their own unique likes and dislikes when it comes to sex–regardless of gender, sexuality, and/or biology. For some people having a fetish is a normal and healthy part of their sex life. It’s not always something that people openly talk about and so it makes sense that folks might have questions about whether their fetish is normal and okay.
What is a fetish?
Before we answer this question, let’s define “fetish”. A fetish is the feeling of sexual excitement in response to an object or body part that’s not typically sexual, such as shoes or feet. Every person is different, and what may be sexually arousing to one person, may not be to another. Some people who have a fetish feel that they can only be turned on when that fetish is available to them, or feel that they need a certain situation or circumstance to happen in order to feel turned on or aroused.
Culturally, we often use the word “fetish” similarly with “sexual fantasy.” Sometimes “fetish” is also used to describe sexual behaviors someone really enjoys. These are not necessarily the same things, even though there is often overlap. Fetish usually means a hyperfocused on a situation or object of interest that it is necessary for sexual pleasure. Sexual fantasy is more like scenarios we like to think about that also helps with sexual arousal and/or satisfaction.
So, having a sexual fetish is often normal...and yes, it can become a problem. Like any other sexual interests and activities, you want to take the time to get to know yourself and act responsibly. Asking questions of yourself like, “What about this turns me on?” and thinking about how much you want this fetish to be a part of your sex life are important. And certainly if you are wanting to include this fetish in any sexual activity, you need to have a conversation with your sexual partner about this, get their consent and respect their wishes. It’s important for those participating to have conversations about where their boundaries are and for everyone to respect each other's preferences and limits.
For instance, someone might only feel aroused when their partner wears bunny pajamas when they engage in sex, and identify this as a fetish. And as long as the partner consents, then this is acceptable sexual behavior.
Can a sexual fetish become a problem?
Having a sexual fetish is often normal, and it can become a problem for some people.
Like with any other sexual interests and activities, you want to take time to get to know yourself and act responsibly. Ask yourself questions like, “What about this turns me on?” and think about how much you want this fetish to be a part of your sex life.
And certainly if you want to include this fetish in any sexual activity you need to have a conversation with your sexual partner about this, get their consent, and respect their wishes. It’s important that everyone participating has conversations about where their boundaries are, and it’s important that everyone respects each other's preferences and limits.
Like with any behavior or activity in our lives, the more aware you can be of how this particular fetish is affecting your life, the more you can be in control, and the safer everyone is. So pay attention to warning signs, like whether it is interfering with other areas of your life, beginning to feel compulsive, or if you are feeling ashamed or guilty.
It may feel embarrassing to talk about fetishes and similar sexual questions, but we’re here to help you ask the right questions and find information to help you make safe decisions. Contact our helpline if you have any questions or want more information.
Warning signs of a problematic sexual fetish
Just like with any other sexual behavior, it’s important to pay attention to whether you may be crossing a boundary or feel unable to manage the behavior. When it comes to a sexual fetish, here are a couple of warning signs that someone might notice in themselves:
Violating another person’s boundaries or consent
Beginning to feel a compulsion - feeling like you have to have the fetish in order to feel turned on or feel satisfied, or feeling out of control of the thoughts surrounding the fetish and/or intrusive thoughts
Interfering with work, school, hobbies etc…
Negatively affecting relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners
Causing emotional distress or strong feelings of shame and guilt
And this isn’t an exhaustive list, someone might see other warning signs as well. Also remember that sexual interest and arousal can shift throughout our lives and this may be what you are interested in for the time being.
Understanding More About Sexual Fetishes
From what this young person shared, it seems like their fetish has become rooted in their sex life and they feel unable to feel pleasure without it which could be a warning sign for them. On the other hand, their partner seems to be consenting to this fetish being a part of their sex life and doesn’t see it as a concern, and they do not mention that it is causing any external issues for them.
We aren’t in a position to say “Yes, this is okay” or “No, this is not okay”, especially without some more information. But if you are taking a step back to ask whether something you are doing, thinking about or feeling is okay or could be a problem, then it is absolutely okay to ask for help to understand more. Therapists can often help us better understand arousal patterns - what turns us on. Sometimes the behaviors, situations, and/or objects we find arousing in fantasy or as fetish are not directly indicative of who we are.
You can reach out to our helpline with any questions about warning signs your seeing to talk through potential next steps or ways to manage sexual behaviors. Our helpline counselors are here to provide non-judgmental compassionate support.
