Is it okay to masturbate while my roommate is sleeping?

Moving away to college can bring on a lot of new experiences, including having to share a room space with another person. For some people this is no different than their living arrangements at home, but for a lot of others this is something they haven’t had to navigate before.

Recently we had someone ask a really great question, and one that we felt was probably on some other people’s minds as well. Here’s is what they asked:

“I share a dorm with a roommate at college and it’s been hard for me to adjust. Usually I watch porn and masturbate to fall asleep. Their bed is on the other side of the room from me, so if I’m quiet is it okay to still do that?”

Is masturbation okay?

We’ve had other people ask about masturbation and whether it is normal, healthy, and okay. And for the most part, YES, it is. But this situation is a little bit different, because it includes another person’s safety and wellbeing.

Masturbation is generally a private activity, although sometimes it can be a consensual part of people’s sex life with their partners. If that’s the case, though, then both people involved should be giving their consent. And if the other person in the room is unaware that you are masturbating, then they cannot give their consent.

Although it may seem like they are asleep and can’t hear or see what’s going on, you can never be sure. And even if that is the case, they could find out later or be impacted in other ways. Having someone masturbate in the same room without knowing or giving consent is a huge violation of a person's trust and boundaries. Doing that would cross a line.

What you can do

We aren’t saying that you can’t ever masturbate, but you’ll need to think of safer places and times to do that alone. Are there times when your roommate isn’t there? Do you have a private bathroom you can use? You may not be able to do it as frequently as you are used to, but that might just be an adjustment you will need to make. Are there other things that help you to fall asleep? Reading a book, listening to music, or working out?

Sharing a room comes with some negotiation and sometimes difficult conversations so you might think about talking to your roommate about how to navigate this. It could be that they are trying to figure out the same thing and don’t know how to bring it up. Perhaps you could agree to a sign or code word that you need some time alone in your dorm room for whatever reason it might be.

You don’t have to figure this out alone, and you are welcome to reach out to our helpline to learn more about how to approach these kinds of conversations.