Is it considered incest that my brother and I used to touch each other when we were younger?

The request for help below is an example of some of the many inquiries we receive on the WhatsOK? helpline from people wondering about their past behaviors with a sibling.

“My brother is 2 years younger than I am, and we used to share a bed together when we were kids - I was 8 and he was 6. We would touch each other and kissed a few times over the course of a couple of years. It felt mutual, although there were times we each felt a little uncomfortable and would get up and leave. It eventually stopped altogether and we never talked about it again. We’re still really close, but it feels weird to remember this happening. Is this considered incest?”

Heavy question, right? And courageous too - looking at your own behaviors, whether in the past or currently is both brave and a demonstration of being responsible about one’s own behaviors. This is how we learn and keep each other safe.

Children’s sexual behaviors

So, it is normal for children to be curious and exploratory about bodies and even sexual behaviors. When we think about children engaging in developmentally normal, age-appropriate, exploratory play we might talk about children showing each other their genitals, kissing, or pretending to be “married”. These kinds of “games” are often based out of curiosity, or a way to explore roles and relationships.

What are normal vs. abusive behaviors between children?

Sexual behaviors between children can be confusing. On one hand, some behaviors are considered normal if they are between children who are young, close in age, and developmentally similar; and the behaviors are mutual, voluntary, exploratory, driven by curiosity, playful, infrequent, and stop when redirected by an adult. This is also true for siblings (including full, step, half, adoptive, or foster) who grow up together or have frequent contact with each other and may play things like house and doctor. Often this type of play is about practicing roles, learning about relationships, and just plain make-believe.

However, boundaries can be crossed by a child, whether intentionally or not, that can sexually harm another child. In fact, over 70% of child sexual abuse is by another child. When this occurs between siblings, it is called sibling sexual abuse or sibling incest. It’s important to recognize that the majority of children’s sexual behaviors, whether they are mutual and developmentally appropriate or sexually harmful, are most often between children who are close, like siblings or cousins, because they spend a lot of time alone together.

Is sexual behavior between siblings considered sibling sexual abuse or sibling incest?

What this person described with their younger sibling seemed to be mutual, age-appropriate, and didn’t include any coercion, manipulation, or threats. It seems like it came from a place of curiosity and exploration. Based on what this person shared, it does not appear that either were experiencing sexual abuse. Incest Aware defines incest as: the sexual abuse of a person by a family member: a primary caregiver including a stepparent or foster parent, a sibling or cousin, or someone else considered family like a nanny or close family friend.

It does not appear that the situation described is sexual abuse, and likely would not be considered sibling sexual abuse or incest.

However, just because children’s sexual behaviors between each other do not indicate a harmful or abusive situation, engaging in these behaviors over time can be problematic. Children really don’t have the same understanding about sex and relationships that adults do, and typically don’t even understand the meaning or impact of these behaviors. Without intending to, these behaviors can still negatively impact a child, can normalize sexual behaviors like this with other kids, or could escalate if a child does not get information and resources about safe behaviors and sexual development.

What is the difference between sibling sexual abuse and sibling incest?

There are differences in the way that “sibling incest” is defined socially versus legally. When some people use the word, they are referring to a sexual relationship between adult siblings both over the age of 18. However, the word incest can also be used to describe sexual harm or abuse between children who are siblings. There are laws in many states in the US that forbid both of these types of sibling incestual relationships from happening.

Additionally, people often assume that in cases of sibling incest a child intended to sexually harm another child. Although some children do intend to harm other children, many times sibling sexual abuse occurs between children without intention due to lack of education, communication, or clarity about what is happening.

In order to avoid confusion, the majority of professionals within the field of children and youth’s sexual behaviors choose to use the phrase “sibling sexual abuse” (SSA) specifically to address harmful or abusive sexual behaviors between siblings, instead of “sibling incest.”

If you feel you may have crossed a sexual boundary with a sibling in the past, our helpline is here to offer guidance and support in healing and staying safe.

It may also be helpful to check out our Blog “I can’t stop feeling guilty about something I did with my brother when we were little” to learn more about sexual behavior between siblings, and about what next steps might look like.

For additional resources and information about everything from coping skills, to guidance around disclosing, to finding professional support, check out Sibling Sexual Trauma.

Additional Support

It’s understandable that once anyone begins to responsibly reflect on their behaviors, they may question whether they behaved safely. And even when learning more, and getting professional feedback that clarifies that they didn’t do anything wrong, they can still feel worried and concerned. This is a good time to check in with a professional support person - like a counselor. Everyone deserves to talk about their experiences and get support to better understand the relationships and situations in their life. Our WhatsOK? Helpline can be a great first step in finding this support.

Sibling Sexual Trauma has additional information and resources for those who feel they may have sexually harmed a sibling that may also be helpful.