I feel like I’ve sexually abused younger children in my family. How do I get help?
Recently, a 14-year-old emailed the following:
“I’m 14 and was sexually abused multiple times. I’m worried that I have abused some of my friends and some younger family members. I have developed an addiction to porn and have seen a lot of things that are sexual. I think these things have affected how I act with others, like groping them and showing them porn so that they would get turned on — even when it made them upset. I think I pressured my friends to give each other hickies. I’ve been doing this for about 7 years and I feel horrible, like I’m a sex abuser. My therapist is trying to help me and says I probably didn’t sexually abuse anyone, but that doesn’t feel good enough and I want help. I want to do everything in my power to be safe. I don’t want anyone to hate me, but I’m terrified and desperate. Is there help for me?”
Yes - Help is Available - and Possible!
Difficult letter, right? It’s a good example of how complicated things can be. This person has clearly been hurt, and is now trying to make sense of it. And she is hurting others — she needs help to stop. So it’s incredibly important that she knows that YES! — there is help for her and she can learn safe behaviors. She can control her behaviors and she can be a safe friend and family member. Let’s also be clear — she is pretty brave to ask for help like this...and it’s clear she wants to do the right thing.
Know the warning signs of harmful sexual behaviors
For some people, their own sexual abuse experience can make sexuality and sexual behaviors confusing. Their own behaviors towards others become warning signs. Behaviors such as:
Forcing someone to watch pornography
Coercing or manipulating someone to do something sexually
Threatening someone with aggression for sexual favors
Keeping secrets about illegal or harmful behaviors
Obsessing over pornography, or anything that has to do with sex
Trying to get younger children alone frequently
This person does seem to know that it is not ok to force someone to watch pornography if they are uncomfortable or to pressure others to behave sexually if they don’t want to — but she seems to feel out of control with her behaviors.
So when we responded to her, we also wanted her to know that it is not unusual for someone with her history to have problems with safe boundaries and behaviors, but that she was already doing great because she knew that some boundaries shouldn’t be crossed and that some behaviors just are not ok.
Get the right kind of help from those with lived and professional experience
So that’s what we told her. We thought it was great that she had a therapist she was working with, but that it sounded like she didn’t feel heard. It sounded like she felt her therapist wasn’t taking her seriously, and that she felt like she wasn’t getting the help she felt like she needed. We advised her to pay attention to her feelings, and maybe talk to her therapist more specifically about how she was feeling and to describe in more detail what she was doing.
We also told her that perhaps this therapist wasn’t experienced in working with youth who have been sexually abused — and also with youth who are behaving sexually harmful with other kids. If that was the case, we thought maybe the current therapist could help this person find someone with the type of experience they need and shared a resource to the Association for Treatment and Prevention of Sexual Abuse (ATSA) therapist referral guide to help find a therapist with this type of experience.
We mentioned that perhaps their counselor could help them locate a therapy support group for teenagers who have been sexually abused (RAINN might be able to help). It can help to hear how other teenagers are dealing with their abuse and what challenges they’ve had. We realize that this person probably feels uncertain talking about their own behaviors, so we shared that it’s fine to take that one slow. Then we encouraged them to check out such a group as they might find out that other people who have been abused also struggle with safe sexual behaviors and uncomfortable sexual feelings.
Embrace the courage to heal after harming another person sexually
It takes a lot of courage and strength to look at your own behaviors, especially when that includes looking at your own behaviors of abuse. It is remarkable that this young person is willing to do this. Their call out for help really shows how much they care about others and want to take responsibility for their actions.
While this person works towards finding a therapist with the right experience to help them, we also encouraged her to think about what accountability and self-forgiveness might look like for her. She is doing a great job seeking to be responsible for her behaviors; she clearly is able to identify where she crossed boundaries and potentially caused harm. She can look at her behaviors, and view them through the lens of her own trauma experience. This doesn’t mean that her behaviors with other kids were okay, but she deserves to unpack how the harm done to her may have shaped her own understanding of safe behaviors and move towards acceptance and a commitment to making safer choices.
She deserves the right kind of help. She deserves to be treated with respect and be free from harm and abuse in her life. If you or someone you know needs help to address either abuse in their life or their own potentially harmful sexual behaviors, please have them reach out to our expert helpline consultants.
